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Biosphere Three/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ glass shatters ] harold: Shakespeare wrote that brevity is the soul of wit. Well, that's true, and to prove that brevity and soul and wit all go together, here's a short, funny guy, my uncle, your host, red green! Whoo! Uncle red! Yeah! It's uncle red! It's uncle red! It's uncle red! Thank you. Thank you very much. And thank you, harold, for that classy intro. I take it your english class is still studying the bard of avon. Well, she sold some eye makeup and some face cream to my mom. The bard of avon, harold. Oh, I thought you said, "barb, from avon." I'm sorry. Shakespeare, harold. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we're studying "hamlet" in school. Yeah, I get to be hamlet. I think he's the star, you know, unless it's one of those weird titles that's, like, way out there, sort of like "fried green tomatoes." but I'm gonna jazz it up. I'm gonna add some pizzazz to it, you know? Like this. [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a! Well, that ought to do it, harold. You know, uh, you quoting shakespeare -- I carry a little shakespearean quote around with me, you know? This is from "midsummer night's dream." "a local habitation and a name. Such tricks have strong imagination." so true, isn't that? Yeah. Wonder what it means. No idea. I'm sorry. You go ahead, uncle red. Oh, thank you. I was just gonna tell everybody about that plan we got to do biosphere 3. Oh, yeah, yeah, right. That's good. That's like biosphere 2? Yeah. That's that experiment those environmentalists did in the american desert, right, where they built this sealed-up, completely enclosed world. It was like a giant greenhouse or something. Yeah, that's right. So, we've got the -- you know, they got lots of important scientific information from that, but more importantly, they got lots of money, too. Yeah. So our plan is for -- so uncle red and all the guys -- you know what they're gonna do? [ laughs ] they're gonna, like, completely enclose possum lodge. Wa-a-a! Gonna put plastic over this whole mess -- try and tap into those government funds, you know? [ laughs ] so, you're gonna be hamlet, are you, harold? Yeah. Hamlet dies, doesn't he? Yes, but not until after he kills his uncle. Ah. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ wherever you go, I'm going with you ♪ ♪ whatever you do, I'll do it, too ♪ ♪ whenever you move, I'm moving with you ♪ ♪ 'cause we've had an unfortunate accident ♪ ♪ involving a very powerful industrial glue ♪ this week on "handyman corner," gonna show you a bunch of things you can do with a little twinge of imagination and some stepladders. Now, if you don't have any stepladders, I guess you could pork a few from a construction site. Or you could just take, uh, normal ladders and duct-tape the tops together. That'll work, too. Okay, the first project I want to show you is some of these split rails. You can get these by just pulling them off the back of a lumber truck when he's idling at a long traffic light. You get a few of these, and you run them right between your ladders. Nothing to it. And what you got there is a little split-rail fence with two gates. If you live in one of them town-house developments, you get everybody to chip in a stepladder, you can have one long, continuous fence with everybody having their own gate where their kids can run right out onto the road. And speaking of kids, if you got a piece of pipe down in the basement or whatever, or out in the garage or -- maybe you don't smoke a pipe, but find something, stick that between your ladders, hang your jumper cables on there, and you got yourself a dandy backyard swing for the kiddies. And in the wintertime now, you could, uh, run 12 volts through the jumpers, and it won't kill you or nothing, just, uh, give you enough of a hum to take the chill off. Or you could even hook up to the 120 house current and use it as a dandy electrical fence. I think the kids would have a heck of a time with this, you know? This brings back -- I think I'm gonna wreck the pole. Now, appearances can be deceiving. This is not just an old, crappy stepladder, a wad of duct tape, and an old drill. This happens to be a high-precision vertical drill press. [ whirring ] beautiful. Or you could use this section up in here to, say, crack walnuts or lobster claws or even break the football helmet off the fat kid. Or if you got a stepladder and say you got a son who's got a couple of bungee cords on his bike rack -- you hook the bungee cords up, and you got yourself one of them exerciser thighmasters. But not advised for anybody with a big nose... Or other -- other larger options. And here's something else you can use. A portable pen. You just take the stepladder like this and put her up against a wall or a fence, and you can put your kid in there, or a dog, or stray cattle or what have you. They're not gonna go anywhere. The other interesting use of a stepladder is, uh, flip her upside down. It'll help you put the drywall on your ceiling. You mount the whole thing like that, put your drywall up on top of the four legs like so. Now you put the whole -- you put the whole rig onto a hydraulic jack or moose thompson, whatever's handier, and then you just chuck the whole thing up against the ceiling and then go get yourself another ladder and carry your vertical drill press up with you, and you can screw the drywall right into the ceiling. And it's just that easy. 'course, now, the best use of a stepladder is a ladder that saves you steps. So, let's say you got to go up somewhere real high, and you don't have a real big ladder. Well, you don't need a real big ladder. All you need is more stepladders. See, you take your two stepladders. You put them together, put an extra bar on the top to get a little extra width, take your third ladder, put that up on top of the other two. [ grunting ] and that's a lot easier than getting a big ladder. I think this is what michelangelo used when he did the sistine chapel. Now you're up twice as high. If you want to go up three times as high, uh...You'd need three ladders, and -- I guess about 30 ladders. Oh, six. Okay, six ladders. You want to go up four times as high, you'd need, uh... You'd need scaffolding. Okay. Well, I guess that's about it for stepladders, so, till next time, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Time to hit the wild blue yonder. Ooh, boy. A little shaky, but all that I need. Oh, boy, I don't know. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh-oh! Gravity. And now it's that part of the show where we expose the three little words that men just find so difficult to say -- "I don't know." and here are my guests on "the experts" segment today -- of course my uncle red, and -- oh! -- Hap shaughnessy. Here's letter number one. "dear experts, although I have a degree "in both economics and political science "and have won many friendly games "of 'I'm way smarter than you are,' "I have never really understood how computers work. Can you explain?" hap? No, go ahead. [ clears throat ] well, uh, a computer's a very simple thing. Yeah, there's nothing to it. Yeah. Mainly you have your computer programs, which are on the disks, and the disks go into the computer, and they're spun around there by a type of an electric drill. And that's flying around in there so that your software high-density database units come spinning right off the disk and ram right up against your tv screen. And that allows you to print stuff off, and you can get graphs, which will show you exactly how much money you're gonna lose next year. Well, I better clarify that a bit, I think. To do that, I have to go back as far as the old morse code that I used during wwii when I had to let my squad know that I'd captured this enemy battalion single-handedly. But I had to decline the medal because there wasn't enough room left on the tunic anymore. They were disappearing over the shoulder. But, uh, where morse code was dots and dashes, computers are ones and zeros, or bits and bytes, or I's and b.M.'s. And they got -- and they got this little japanese robot inside the cpu, and he's going like that to beat the band. "it is winter. "I come home late from the office christmas party. "she is angry at the smell of garlic on my breath. She knows I don't eat garlic, but my secretary does." when you're in a biosphere, you get lonely, so I thought I'd talk to the expert on that subject. Gord? You asleep? Oh! Fire! Fire! Gord, gord, no! Gord, gord! Fire! Gord, gord, it's just us. Oh, great. Visitors. This is great. Oh, wonderful. You know, if it weren't for your visits, I'd probably go totally wacko. Blp-blp-blp-blp! Yeah, that's good. I'm glad to hear that. Yeah, thanks to you, I'm still clinging on to my sanity. You know... [ grunting ] yeah. Uh, gord, we're doing a kind of biosphere thing up at the lodge, and I thought maybe you could give us a few tips on, uh, you know, how to live in isolation. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, you know, the thing to remember is that mind and body aren't separate, so, you know, if, uh -- if you were to hit your head really, really hard against that tree or a ranger station or something, you know, they're one. So, you know, to keep the mind active, you got to keep the body fit, you know? So, you know, you must, you must, you must increase the bust. [ air whistles ] [ glass shatters ] you know, you get a new mirror put on that van, and send me the bill. I'll do that. You might want to hand deliver it, though, 'cause, you know, the mail rarely gets through here. I'm sorry. No, that's all right. I'll take my chances on the mail delivery. Thanks anyway, gord. Well, this biosphere 3 thing is coming together pretty good, although nobody was willing to make a commitment until moose thompson promised to wear pajamas. You know, I don't think that you guys -- well, okay, let me rephrase that. Do you guys really think that you're gonna pack everything that you're gonna need? [ laughs ] 'cause I don't. Well, harold, I don't really care -- no, no, let me rephrase that. Nobody in their right mind would care what you think, harold. So, the guys are gathering up all the essentials, and they all realize they're gonna need their own space. Uncle red, do you really realize what's required of all this? You know, it's going to be an enclosed space. I mean, you got to be completely self-sufficient. Nothing goes in, nothing come out. Yeah, harold, we know how the deal works. We're gonna make all our own food and beverages. The only problem we're having -- we can't figure out how to make chip dip. I don't know. I hope you realize you got to dispose of your own waste, too. Well, thanks anyway, but we're gonna keep trying for the chip dip. I don't know. I really don't think this is gonna work. It's gonna work fine. These are very simple guys. A lot of these guys can live for two weeks on a couple of comic books and a bottle opener. Uncle red, I know these guys. Come on. There's gonna be arguments. There's gonna be fistfights. There's gonna be, like, tag-team texas death matches. Wa-a-a! I don't think there will be any arguing or fighting, 'cause, of course, harold won't be there. Oh, no, no, no, no, I will not be there. You're gonna forget something. If we forget something, we'll just borrow it before we go in there. "neither a borrower nor lender be." shakespeare said that. Shut up, harold. The whole world is saying that. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ up at the lodge ♪ ♪ the men are full ♪ ♪ of beer and themselves ♪ ♪ and bravado and bull ♪ ♪ they don't take no guff ♪ ♪ they don't settle for less ♪ ♪ so, thank god for women ♪ ♪ or we'd be in one hell of a mess ♪ [ laughs ] I said "hell." [ laughs ] [ film projector clicking ] red: Look out, look out, look out, look out, look out! [ tires screech ] bill's here. Now, bill said he had kind of a surprise for every -- a surprise for me this week. Anyway, he wanted to make something. And, oh, yeah. And he'd gone down to -- they got "swiss family robinson" playing at the possum theater in town. I don't go to the show. I just cry at the movies. And that's just when I buy my ticket. But, yeah, kind of a sprinkler there, and some hoses and some hockey sticks, some canvas. Got a bicycle rim. Got an old pump off the farm there, and -- I'll put that -- that'll be fine, I guess. And I don't know what he had in mind, so he's... No, bill. He's breaking it. Oh, I see. Okay. He's breaking the illegal curve, I guess, on that one. And then he wanted me to hold that, and -- no! No, no, no. Don't like -- yeah, this is a better idea. I'll do the -- I'd rather be a hammer than a garfunkel. And then he wrapped the canvas around the, uh, around the hockey sticks and duct-taped them. And one hockey stick we had up high, and then we put the sprinkler on there. I'm starting to get an idea now. The hose is hooked up to the pump, so what's gonna happen is that whatever's in the pump is gonna go around the hose, up the thing, and out the... And I think what -- yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought so. It's a shower type thing. But I'm saying, "where's the water gonna come from?" you got to have water going into the pump before you can have water coming out of the pump. But here again, the old swiss family robinson influence -- he's gonna -- no, bill. Nobody wants -- oh, yeah. All right. All right. All right. It's a rain barrel. Yeah, that'll be fine. That's good. Now you need something to make the pump go around. The pump's got to spin, bill. You just kind of turn that by -- no, no. Well, he had jacked up not only the price of this car, but, actually, the whole back end, and he took the tire off, and he put just a rim on there. Now, what's going on there? Oh, I see. What he's thinking there is he can use that as a drive -- a drive wheel. Got an old fire hose there, and -- yeah, okay. This is like a power takeoff on the old john deere. Nothing takes off like a deere. And so I wrapped the fire hose around there, and what's gonna happen, I guess, is that when you start her up and put her in gear and what have you, the wheel's gonna spin, which is gonna move the -- yeah, all right. It's gonna drive the pump, gonna pump the water from the rain barrel out into the hose and out the sprinkler. So he said to me, okay, he's gonna get ready to take a shower. Let me start her up here. And she's -- [ engine turns over ] oh, there you go. She's running good. Oh, bill, you're gonna spook the horses there. Wow. He wants me to put her into gear, and, you know, it's unfortunate he'd forgotten one little detail. That baby is a front-wheel drive. Oh, that's unfortunate, isn't it? You know, anybody who puts that much work and ingenuity into something deserves a shower, don't you think? This week on "handy teen corner," we're gonna build stuff to impress the girls in your school. [ laughs ] now, in my experience, women like to make the move on guys who have a lot of electrical equipment. [ laughs ] but, you know, video and audio equipment costs major dollars, and if all you got is, like, your allowance or even worse -- you know, a paycheck from your uncle -- then, you know, the handy teen's gonna have to be creative. Wa-a-a! So, firstly, let's build a fake walkman out of a piece of black wood and some black string. Wa-a-a! No, no, it's not gonna work or anything, but, look. You just -- you just plug it in, right? And then, you know, you sing, like, a popular song along with it, and who's gonna be the wiser, you know? ♪ muskrat suzie, muskrat sam ♪ "oh, look, that guy's wearing a walkman. Who knows it doesn't work? I certainly don't." [ singing indistinctly ] it's like that. You could do that, right? So, to get started, what we're gonna need, of course, is the handy teen's secret weapon -- wa! -- Duct tape. Okay. Red: Harold? Harold? [ doorknob rattles ] next week, I'll show you how to build a lock for your room. [ laughs ] harold! So, we just tape it right up. Harold! What's going on here, harold? Well, it's my part of the show, and you said if I come up with an original idea -- original, harold? "handy teen corner"? Well... A handy teen's secret weapon? Remember, if the cheerleaders don't find you handsome, at least they should ask you to do their homework for them. Now, I know a lot of you teenagers feel you have to rebel and be obnoxious and embarrass your parents at restaurants, but that's just a normal part of growing up, whereas getting a tattoo is stupid. A tattoo is basically a liquid sliver, and the liquid is permanent ink. Getting a tattoo is kind of like sucking on a pen with your whole body. And it's painful. There's only two things more painful than getting a tattoo -- the first one being getting two tattoos, and the second one is getting either of them removed. Now, I know there may be some appeal in having "guns n' roses" tattooed on your butt, but 60 years from now, in the middle of your hemorrhoid operation, you're gonna find out why it's not a good idea to get your surgeon laughing. Hey, hello, red. I figured once the smell of this started wafting across the lake, you'd show up. Yeah? We thought every jogger in the world was taking their shoes off at exactly the same moment. Ah, you can't fool me, red. I know you just love to wrap yourself around a bowl of my special chowder. Well, maybe sometime, reg, but unfortunately, you've caught me on a day when I'm not starving to death. What is in there, anyway? Is that skunk? No! No meat, red. I don't eat meat. I'm a hunter, not a barbarian. Nope, red, what you got here is cabbage, beet root, brussels sprouts, broccoli, and a big, yellow turnip. You soak them all in vinegar until your eyes water so bad you can't tie your shoes. Then you bring the whole deal to a boil for a day and a half, and then pour it into explosion-proof containers. [ sniffs ] mmm! If I had eaten this healthy back in the law firm, I'd have been able to handle twice the caseload. Well, you would have gone through a lot more suits, that's for sure. Now, listen, reg. We're doing this biosphere thing up at the lodge, and I thought maybe you might have some legal tips, you know, before we all kind of bunk in together like that. Whoa, you have to be very careful there, red. You should really draw up a contract going in that explains how problems will be dealt with. My niece ran into one of these deals, and she came out with a bunch of new friends and a brand-new baby. Golly. How long was she in there? Well, the biosphere programs are always for a minimum of two years less a day, red. Two years? My wife isn't gonna let me be away for two years. She says I can either be away for the odd weekend here and there, or I can be away all the time forever, but nothing in between. Oh, sure. My wife went for plan b. But I don't blame her. You know, I think she'd like me better now. But she's off in europe with that tennis instructor, so she has no idea what she's missing. Well... Soon as everybody found out this biosphere 3 thing was a two-year commitment, that pretty well kiboshed the whole deal. I mean, we all get along pretty well, but two years is 730 days, or more importantly, 730 nights. That's 98,000 meals and six laundry days. Somebody would get hurt, guaranteed. You know, uncle red, it's too bad we can't treat the earth like a biosphere -- always being careful not to take out more than we put in. Well, we could start by burying you. Just saying we should respect the biosphere that we have. And will the government pay us to do that, harold? Wa! No. See, there's a problem right there. See, they got their priorities all completely screwed up down there, you know? I would be happy to save the planet for the next generation if there was any money in it. [ screeching ] oh, that -- it's meeting time. It's meeting time. Here we go. Yeah, you go ahead, harold. I'll be right down. Oh, kay-o. I'm sure he means well, but who cares? Anyway, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I might be a bit late, but I'll still be two years earlier than I thought I'd be. And to the rest of you, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, thanks for watching, and keep your stick on the ice. [ screeching ] all rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Red: All right, have a seat. All right, I know a lot of you had your heart set on the biosphere thing, and I just, uh -- I'm sorry it didn't work out. Aw. Aw. Aw. Aw.